No Map Needed

 So, I had my follow up appointment. Before my scans, I tried to prepare myself for it to have changes. I had 2 flares after all. I WAS NOT PREPARED. I wanted to be. Tried to be even. I was not. I had to go alone to my appointment, and there was a resident. She started by asking me if I had decided what medication I wanted to switch to. That was not the way to go. I just cried. You see, I did not know that would be a question. My lesions were not active. I HATE change. It got better from there.  Dr. Chenault came in next. She told me it was reasonable to presume the lesions were from my flares last fall. I do not have to change treatments yet. I have to see the pulmonologist next month. If she thinks my sickness and breathing troubles this summer were related to my aubagio, I will have to change. Then we will rescan in December. If pulm clears me and my scans are normal, I get to stay the course. If there are changes, we will face that then.  In other news, school has sta...

 We are a year in to this journey we never wanted to take. 1 year since my world felt like it may crumble around me. I can say I have MS. Sometimes without tears. I say it often bc I need to desensitize myself, I think. I also want to normalize it. Life is good, but there are struggles. Blogging helps release the stress. It also may help a new to MS’er one day. It is good to know that it is okay to mourn life as you knew it. It is ok to not be ok some days. I tend to come here when it is less ok. That is when I need the release of writing it down.  This last year of isolation and loneliness has been tough. I have learned that sometimes the relationships you thought were unconditional  come with conditions. There has been what feels like an irreparable divide in relationships that were the most important to me. And in the midst of that, I was told I may have a tumor, or a stroke, or MS. MS was in many ways the lesser of the evils I was facing. I am thankful for the diagnos...

 I was talking with my friend “Ellen”(I must protect her privacy LOL) the other day, and she had a great deal going on. I said I am so sorry, I know it will be crazy. Her reply was, It’s no step for a stepper, and I am a stepper!” This was just another kindred spirits moment with my friend. I told her I do not hear that saying often, but I like to say it and it is one my mom often uses! It got me to thinking about my disease and my struggles. How I am and will always be more than a diagnosis. How every day is not hard. And on the hard days, It is no step for a stepper and my momma raised a stepper.  You see, Ellen and I, we see people who have really big struggles. Struggles they may or may not recover from. We help them as much as we can. We have bonded through our love of these people. She reminded me of this phrase that is motivational to me. She is not a quitter. She adopted that phrase long ago, like me. And I am not a quitter. It really stinks to have to say no. To not g...

 MS is not a pretty disease by definition. There will always be beauty in its parts. There will always be lessons learned. There will be laughter. There will be friends made. Some days I get to encourage others, and that is amazing. Some days though. The ugly side is bigger. It is meaner. It is just harder.  Recently- for the last 3 full weeks-I have dealt with that. The knocking down of my once too good immune system is hard. My sweet boy caught a cold. He shared it with me and I cannot recuperate. Upper respiratory became lower respiratory which became bronchitis.  Steroids. Doctors. More doctors. So damn grateful for my physician friends. The ER. I hate the ER. Not the people working it, they are heroes. The situation of the ER. The people who use it for their PCP driving the cost of healthcare higher. The chaos of the waiting room. The fear and anxiety. The needles. I hate it. I am thankful it exists, and for what they did for me.  This last 3 weeks has taken a t...

 I have been on treatment a few months. Maybe I started in September, I do not know. I am bad with dates, and this is not a happy one to remember. But it is. A little I guess. I am facing an old disease, but with new weapons. Science is grand. I am so blessed. I started to feel better within weeks of starting it. It was amazing. I did not realize exactly how bad I had been feeling until I felt better. Progressive diseases are like that I guess. It all happened so slow (yet so fast),  that I did not realize something was wrong.  The fun thing is, my migraines are 90% better. I have been able to stop some meds. That is exciting. My endurance is improving. I know part of it being down is the more sedentary lifestyle since covid. Hospitals are opening back up though so that is ending. Again, thank God for science and vaccines. The scale is moving down instead of up for the first time in months. So much good.  The struggles are that though there are almost no side effects...

 Today is my 40th birthday. I am weird and I have been looking forward to this day for quite a while. I like decade birthdays. They are a good time to reflect on what has happened in the last 10 years and decide what you want to come next. The pandemic ruined my party plans, and the snow my smaller celebratiom plans. But it is all OKAY.  My 39th year threw me a curve ball that shook me to my very core and threatened everything I know about how to live life. I am having to do a complete 180. Learn how to use my body correctly in order to be functional. Yall, this has been HARD. I know migraines- you power through. You will feel How you feel no matter what you do.  MS says “try to power through, I dare you.” I am doing good though. My stamina is improving. I can make it longer and do more than I could 3 months ago. Doing dishes is still one of the most painful tasks I have. Dishes. Something I have to do every single day. So strange. The stress and decreased activity has le...